In the last year since I’ve gotten sick, I’m finding that some music really just hits me hard.
Love songs, songs about fighting and being strong. They hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel like the older I get the more emotional I become. Or maybe just through this I’ve gained the ability to feel and experience life more fully.
I find myself not even be able to sing the words anymore, because they bring tears to my eyes. Songs about love just remind me how much I love Paul and how much he truly loves me. He makes every day more meaningful and even after all the scars I have all over my body he still tells me every day how beautiful I am. I am truly blessed. I found myself singing that Paramore song “Still into You” while we were playing Rockband, and I had to stop. I had to stop because it was making me tear up, and it would be very embarrassing to admit to my friend that I was crying just because I loved Paul so much. I can’t listen and sing along to the “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten because it just reminds me so much of what a fight this has all been. I had to fight long and hard to live. To just live like an “almost” normal 26 year old.
I guess I won’t ever feel normal again. I will always have the physical and emotional scars of my journey in this life. I’ve even crying writing this. Sometimes I feel like it’s hard to cope with the sadness and happiness that I’ve experienced in the last year and a half. I feel like even though my physical pain is (almost) over, my emotional pain worsens.
You learn so much going through cancer, but that leaves you empty when everything is over. They don’t prepare you for how different your life will be after cancer. There’s all these plans for “curing” and treatment but theres no plan for when it’s all over. I’m not sure how they’ll be able to prepare you though, and I’m not sure I’d want to hear about the emotional pain I’d go through after this while going through the physical pain of treatment.
I might be able to go back to work soon. But I’m not quite sure I can emotionally and physically handle it at this point. The extra money would be great but moving on is hard. My joints still hurt every day. I have to take medication to help me function like somewhat normal human being. I always imagined when I was young, the older I got, the easier life would be. I’ve been so proven wrong by this. My heart aches for boys and girls that also have to go through similar experiences as me. It’s painful. Life has so many beautiful moments, but so many hard and painful moments too. I guess sometimes though, that’s what you really need to appreciate how fragile and beautiful our lives are.
For anyone who gotten this far reading, please don’t worry about me. I’m still just trying to figure this all out and figuring out how to feel. I’m not sad, I’m just trying to cope and sometimes I just don’t know how. I feel like this helps though, it helps me at least get my feelings out and makes it easier to process. I think I’m going to email my therapist and show her my blog, I enjoy our sessions but maybe this would help make them even more meaningful.