I was just talking to an old friend today about when I first got sick. I feel like I still have so much emotional damage still, even with the help of my therapist. We haven’t even broke the crust of my damage.
Everything happened so fast in the beginning. I didn’t even have time to process what was happening to me. It truly was one of the scariest feelings of my life. I often think back to a conversation with my dad when I first started truly started feeling the effects of my chemo. I told him I was tired, I didn’t want to do this anymore and he just looked me in the face and said “Mel, you’ll die. you’re going to die” Sometimes when you’re going to die you don’t actually feel like you’re going to die. Sometimes you just feel like you’ll always exist and that’s not really the case. I think back to all the people back then who kept me strong and kept me going. Mom, Dad, and Paul are the most obvious, but so many people reached out to me at a time when I really needed them the most. I needed their strength and many of my friends were happy to give it. I have people still reach out to me and their strength continues to keep me going.
I feel like so many positive things have happened to me since I got sick and I really can say my mom and I’s relationship really is what changed the most. I thought I was going to die having to live with her again and really it was the best thing that ever happened to us. Everyday I miss her so much and I know Paul does too. Many not living with us, but it would be so nice if we were closer but I can say I have any plans to move back to New Jersey anytime soon. Paul has such a good job and we have this beautiful house here, I just don’t think our quality of life would be the same of we were there. I can only hope that maybe one day my family will come to me. Even if it’s it a couple hours away. I’d take it.
A lot of my days I’m home alone and it’s pretty lonely. I have Yuna that helps me so much but she’s not the same as having a person here with me. But if I did have a person with me all the time I probably would want to be by myself. The good thing about having my mom here is we were together but seperate. She was here, but we didn’t have to constantly interact like I would need to if I had friends over. I feel like I’ve really become super anti-social lately. I just really don’t have an interest in interaction right now for some reason. My therapist says I need to fight that as much as I can. It’s not good to be anti-social. We need to draw from the strength of our friends and family. We need to have friends we can talk to and support us and our relationship doesn’t revolve around cancer. I think I have a lot of friends that are like that and would do that for me but I’m the problem, not them.
I watched a lot of episodes of Catfish today. Watching that show makes me so thankful that neither Paul or I was Catfishing each other. For those of you that do not know, Paul and I met on an online video game in 2007. So we’ve known each other for 9 years. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. Paul is truly the perfect person for me. My only wish is that we could have been together soon, but I believe that everything works it’s way out for a reason and maybe we wouldn’t be where we are now if I moved down here sooner. Cancer changed a lot in our relationship, I guess it really solidified things for him. Yo u know the moment I got sick he had to figure out if he was gonna be in or not. In this type of situation it’s not like you can be half in. It’s all or nothing.
I could probably write more but I think I’m done for the night. Stay tuned.